Manolis P: 2015

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

26.2 things that happen when you run a marathon

Chas Newkey-Burden rounds up everything that inevitably happens during a 26.2 mile race, from competitive oneupmanship to an outbreak of bloody nipples

1. As you hang around at the start, marathon veterans pass the time with ostentatious one-upmanship. “I see weather’s not good as Melbourne 2001,” says one. “Indeed, but at least it’s better than Stockholm '97,” agrees another. They look around to see how many first-timers were listening.

2. You cave in to peer pressure and go for a pee before you set off, even though you don’t really feel like one.

3. After the starting gun sounds, one runner gets completely overexcited and passes the starting line as if he’s taking on Usain Bolt in a 100m sprint.

4. During the crowded first mile any illusions you have that running a marathon will turn you into an Adonis are shattered as you look out over a bubbling ocean of male-pattern baldness, skinny arms and protruding Adam’s Apples.

5. In mile two you notice a growing queue for the port-a-loos and feel secretly smug.

6. You get overtaken by men wearing wacky costumes: a rabbit, a big tomato and at least two Batmen.

7. A spectator shouts: “Keep going – you’re nearly there!” You’re in mile three, FFS.

8. A skinny, officious man elbows his way past you, muttering something about “race etiquette”.

9. Drinks stations become potential death traps as discarded plastic cups, foil gel wrappers and banana skins pile up on the pavement.

10. You keep getting overtaken by old men in jogging vests that reveal lots of grey arm hair. You die a bit each time.

11. Every time you see a race volunteer you want to thank them from the bottom of your beating heart. But you worry it may be patronising.

12. You worry that worrying about patronising volunteers is using up vital energy.

13. Spectators wave banners and placards as you run past, with slogans such as “Go Daddy!”, “You’re all winners” and “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.”

14. You spot a speedy female runner whose rather fetching behind is squeezed into a skin-tight pair of shorts. You join the large gaggle of men who are running breathlessly just behind her. Later that day, your wife will ask how you managed to complete the course so quickly. “What can I say,” you’ll shrug.

15. A runner collapses and is carried into an ambulance. You start to really pity Ambulance Guy.

16. The noise and the crowds cease to spur you on and start to freak you out a bit. For months you’ve trained in peace and solitude – now you’re suddenly surrounded by thousands of people.

17. You pass the 20-mile mark. You start to really envy Ambulance Guy.

18. The route passes a Nando’s or a McDonald’s. You look through the window and see people sitting down, putting food into their mouths. You suddenly feel hungrier than you ever have before.

19. Your nipples start to bleed. You realise that you look like you’re lactating blackcurrant juice.

20. You could murder a blackcurrant juice.

21. People poo themselves. Some content themselves with a colourful leak down the back of their legs, others go full Radcliffe.

22. A mixture of exhaustion, pain, fear and elation mean you start to have a little cry. Well, at least you’re not pooing yourself.

23. You hit the wall, meaning your glycogen stores are gone and you feel apocalyptically exhausted.

24. Somehow, you pass the finishing line. For months you’ve imagined that this moment will bring feelings of enormous elation, accomplishment and pride. It’s all of that and much, much more.

25. You stumble around with your fellow finishers, all wrapped in silver foil capes. You look like recently-released avian hostages from the factory farm Bernard Matthews forgot.

26. As you hobble home in a haze, three words form clearly in your head: never, ever again.

26.2 A bath and a rest later, you go online to find the next marathon you can enter.

source: The Telegraph