George Carlin - Quotes and Jokes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937–June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor and author who won four Grammy Awards for his comedy albums.

Carlin was noted for his political insights, his black humor and his observations on language, psychology, religion and on many taboo subjects.

Here are some of his famous lines:

• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
• Electricity is really just organized lightning.
• Always do whatever's next.
• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
• Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
• Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
• In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
• I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
• The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
• Think off-center.
• At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
• By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
• If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
• Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that crap.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
• There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
• When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
• When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
• When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
• You know an odd feeling? Sittin on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
• You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• It's never just a game when you're winning.
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?